A New Day

Little Harvey and I are back at Maria's now, and I will hopefully be here for at least a little while so I have a chance to be trained and learn their system and way of doing things. I was at first extremely worried that because of my lack of experience I would be of little use I would be extremely overwhelmed. I have come to realize that one of the main reasons that I was able to come was because of my lack of experience. How things are done here is extremely different than any hospital in the states. Rather than functioning under optimum conditions they do the most they can the best way they are able. They use the medication donated from all over the world in many different doses, often adult doses and convert it to what they are able to use. It isn't the best, but what they are able to give them is more than they had. Some children they might have been able to save with the resources in the states, here they instead make comfortable and love them through death. They might not be able to save them, but they love everyone and never forget them. They might not have ever had a home or family of their own, but they will always have a home here in the hearts of the staff and the teams that pass through, and when they pass on their names are written by hand on the walls surrounding the roof so that their memories will live on. I have mentioned Mariah the head nurse here. She is the one who writes these names, after holding them through their last moments. Here are some of the loved ones that have passed on.

 

People have been asking me over and over again how I am doing and how can I handle the realities I am seeing and becoming all too familiar with. I assure them that I am doing fine. I don't focus on it. I accept the reality to be able to do the job I need to do, and when I have the time I deal with the pain I need to. I explained to my dad yesterday that though I know the are millions of children in pain and in need that I will never be able to help, I am here now. I know there is so much I will never be able to fix or change, but if I do everything I can for every child I come in contact with I am making a difference. I can't do everything, but everything I do matters and can change a child's life in ways I will never be able to even know. We had this discussion when I was talking about how hard it was going to be to accept Harvey's life as it is, how I couldn't bear to let him go alone into the rest of his life. I explained that though I accepted he was in Gods hands, God had brought me into his life for a reason

Coming back to Maria's and hearing the current team's discussions about how hard it is going back knowing the realities they now know and how hard it is knowing these children they will never see again and many will never recover and never have families. It started to hit me the things I have never let hit me before. I can't help all of these children. The majority of these children are going to die here and their names will go on these walls. The babies we are able to help, many will go back to the orphanage and never find families of their own. They will never be loved or held and have futures that are beyond bleak after the orphanage. Something someone said in discussions really brought a lot of it home to me. They had been adopted from an orphanage. "I know what it is to be ignored". It was part of a discussion about some of the children, and part of me died inside to hear that, especially in the heart breaking way it was said..... No child should ever be able to say that! No person should ever live in a reality where that is their life! Humans are made to love and be loved. No matter if basic needs are met, if that one is lacking, what kind of life is that? We are right beside the large state run orphanage which is full of children we rarely see, some of which are ones that once lived here. It absolutely kills me  to imagine being that child going to sleep knowing that there is no brighter reality in my future. The life I close my eyes to is the reality that will be there when I awake. Can you imagine the extreme loneliness in that life? Sometimes I look over across from the roof and imagine the little lives sheltered there in. I also feel it when I go from room to room and see the precious faces that smile or giggle or grab your hand, that just want to be touched and loved. I know what it is to be loved. Will these children ever know that? Part of me wants to cry, and a lot of me wants to grab as many of these children as I can and just hold them close and never let them go. I was hoping that writing this blog would help me "process", a word we hear a lot here, some. I guess there is no real way to completely do that. How can I explain to anyone who isn't here what it is to hold a child looking up into your face like you hung the moon and see in their eyes a future that you probably won't be able to change, a future that they deserve so much more than. 

I guess I'll end this in a plea. There is so little I can do, but there is an infinite amount that needs to be done. What they are doing here is a beautiful, amazing thing, but there is so much they need to be able to do the things they do. They are always running low on medicines and supplies and funds, and it is the children who suffer. They often need people to sponsor children who are able to make it to the states for in depth surgeries. They need people to sponsor surgeries that otherwise these children's won't be able to get, surgeries that could change their lives. More than that there are so many children that need a home and someone to love them. I know that most people don't have space or time or resources in their lives for a child, and even more than that I have come to find that many people have a hard time accepting adoption, at least for them selves. I have been realizing more people are reading this than I ever imagined, so please, search your hearts and see if there is something that you would like to do? I am not one for asking anyone to do anything. I figure if someone wants to make a difference or there is something they are inspired to do they will do it. Everyone has something different they need to do in life. I guess my hope is that maybe in reading this I am opening up new possibilities or thoughts. Pray for these babies and send all the love you can their way? I am writing this on the roof now and one of the most encouraging things is the phrase they have painted on the wall. I will end with that.