A foggy place

The time to go home is fast approaching and it is getting scarier and scarier the closer it gets. My mother laughed when I said that. Going to an unknown country with no connections, experience, or language knowledge, and no idea what to expect is supposed to be the scary part. Going back to my home where I have always had a place, to the country I have grown up in is supposed to be the easy part. "Supposed to" has a funny way of not always making it to a reality. No matter that I should be ecstatic to be going home to my family and those I love, instead my heart just breaks a little more at the thought because going home means no longer being here. I have found such meaning in my life being here. I have known who I was supposed to be and exactly what it was I should be doing. This is where I belonged. I belong with my children holding them, loving them, helping them. This is where I have truly gotten to be the person I wanted to be. It has been such a long and complex road, but only now am I finally starting to feel as though I belong and know just what it is to do. I finally feel like I am more of an asset and have something to offer. I have just enough knowledge to be able to work on my own without too many fears of doing it wrong. I have my own family here of the people I work with. Even when I am at a unit by myself I know I am surrounded by people who care checking up on me and making plans. 

I am looking out at the rainy foggy world of Chinese spring time and it suits my mood perfectly.

 I am back in Luoyang for three days to finish my goodbyes and packing, and then I am off to Beijing to try my hand as a tourist before going back home for good. It is a sad weird time for me, an in between time. I am not really here, but I am not really home. I am not working, but I am not really on vacation. I see my babies, but they are  no longer really mine. I am here to let go... A very strange place to be in. There is a lot of time to be alone and to pack and such, which gives me more time to feel alone. I don't really like the letting go and leaving. Now the time has finally come to do all of my adventuring, sight seeing, and present buying, but I find I have far less of a mood for it. I'd almost rather do without, though I know I would eventually regret it. Well I should get back to the packing and organizing and goodbyes.