I have been getting to know my babies very well on my floor since I am personally responsible for them and spend so much time with them. This is both a good thing and a difficult thing. It means I notice the more minor changes in playing habits, discomfort levels, likes and dislikes, and all of the other little things I can chart or simply enjoy, but it also means that I love them and it is very personal and difficult when anything happens to them. There were two children I have specifically in mind when I say this. My first was one of my CP children. He is a quite child who was usually content to sit in his little chair. If you take the time to talk to him, or especially to touch his face when you are explaining how much you love him, he will smile the biggest smile! Then if you tickle him he'll laugh and kind of push your hands away. As I said, he is quite, but he can brighten up a room with his smile. I didn't even realize what a crucial part of that room he was or how much I was going to miss him until he was gone. The orphanage decided to switch out some of our children recently because they had gotten more babies in that needed our care. They made the decision to take out some of our CP babies to make room for the other children. It makes me sad, but it makes sense. Those children are stable. They will require life long care, but they are not critical. I am saddened because the state run orphanages won't have the time to sit with these children and feed them slowly or try figure out what will make them smile or laugh. For some of them even these small things take a lot of effort and are a hard won reward. There were 5 children that were taken, and I can not begin to express my relief that only one of mine was. It was hard enough for me to realize my little one had been taken and I hadn't gotten a chance to say good bye. That I think is what bothered me the most, to walk into the room and realize one was missing and I wouldn't be able to hold him ever again.
The other child that made this week difficult for me was my one little girl. She is only a few months old, incredibly tiny with the most adorable hair that spikes out all over her head and little scrunched up face. She is a very easy going child, but I was very clearly faced with the fact that this tiny baby is palliative care. She has some problems with the formation and function of her brain and there is nothing that can be done for her. So we keep her comfortable, and if something happens we are to try and keep her from any pain or distress, and then let her go. This week she got sick and I was warned there was a good chance she wouldn't make it. As I held her fragile body watched her slight chest quivering with the effort to breath and her eyes looking right into my own, I had to find a way to try and make my brain realize this baby would probably die. I have a hard time accepting anything is impossible and giving up hope is pretty much an impossibility for me, so even if I repeat the facts to myself it is hard for me to make it a reality. That little one has so many prayers said over her! As the week has gone on she has gone through the process of this illness and has managed to hold her own in spite of everything. There is still a good chance she won't make it or that some other illness will take her from us if this one doesn't, but for now she is still here, still breathing, still here for me to care for and love.
These things definitely add to the emotional aspect of any week. That, and simply the fact that the better I know these children the more I love them. Re-going over the charts after knowing the children better is an entirely different experience. Reading some child has such and such heart defect or critical illness is different from reading your little one who jumps into your arms or holds your hand when you walk into the room isn't likely to live for more than a year or two at the very best or that it is very likely with their medical issues they will never be seen as "adoptable"
That is one of the things that is so hard about the CP children, or any of the children here for that matter! It is amazing how much a child with CP is able to love, or how they brighten up my day no matter what has happened. There is a little girl who is pretty much the sunshine in my life when sun can't break through the smog of China. I walk into the room and as soon as she sees me she starts grinning and trying to roll over to look at me. As soon as I start talking to her her smile grows and she just starts moving all over because she is so exquisitely happy to be near me and have me talk to or touch her. It is almost as if when these children's minds were injured, though they lost some function and ability they also lost all capacity for malice or selfishness and replaced it with love and joy. I can not explain the beauty of this little girl when I hold her slightly stiffened body in my arms and she reaches up to touch my face and hair because to her they are the most amazing things in the world. I bounce her and it makes her happy. I hold her and she holds me back as best as she can. When I sing she tries to make noises to match mine smiling up at me. On paper she is another child with CP with limited function and mental ability, a lot of work and heart ache for anyone. Seeing her and knowing her I can not comprehend how anyone could possibly not want to have this child be a part of every moment of the rest of their lives. The world is full of complications and heart aches and sorrow, but looking into her eyes you see only the things that really matter, the small things that make life worth living. She is a living breathing reminder of what is good in this world. There are some of the children with CP are not able to do or register as much as she is. I have one who does not notice when I talk to her or touch her at all, but then I see her ayi's showing her a toy that lights up because it is pretty and she will see and like that. It warms my heart.
Living here is a hard balance to find. We have had a lot of visitors the past couple of days and it is interesting to see them struggle to find their place and purpose here, as I have. There is a very fine line to walk between doing all you can and accepting what you cannot. The people who come here, including myself, are those hoping to make a difference, to help. The thing is, that when you get here there are already people who have devoted their lives to that very purpose, who have done all they can and have found the limitations they haven't been able to change. There is always more that can be done or offered, I believe, but when you come in trying to change things it is very easy to not understand the situation and to unintentionally degrade the work that has been being done. When you go in and ask why something isn't being done for a child, it implies that person there before you didn't put forth that effort earlier. A lot of the time it was because of a limitation forced on them by lack of resources, ability, or simply in what they are given the freedom to do with children not strictly their own. There are changes that can be made or things that can be done, and there are always needs that could be met, but sometimes it is hard to see just where those are. I am finding sometimes good intentions can do more damage than good when there are not the resources to support it. Ultimately it is always the children that are the priority, but how best to help them to your utmost ability is often a struggle here.
Hmmm, for my random little bits of China. We got to go to the Duck restaurant again, and it was delightful as always. We all got to try a lot of exciting dishes and some delicious tea. I had Kelsi take pictures, so I will add them if I can steal them from her.
In the front is a fried corn dish and beside it a salad and beside that peanuts served with your choice of salt or sugar.
In front is the remainder of the duck with the onions, plum sauce, and tortillas. Beside it is a fish dish. The little things that look like muffins are a sort of purple very sweet sweet potato they serve here. They have it mashed in the middle and shredded fried pieces on the outside.
Afterwards we went on the great adventure of weaving through Chinese evening traffic to get ice cream cones at KFC. There is both pedestrian traffic and vehicular traffic, and mopeds/bikes/motorcycles/motorized bikes/scooters all count as both. They can go either with the pedestrian walk signs or green lights, so the pedestrian traffic crossing with the walk sign is almost as dangerous as crossing the traffic with the cars. People don't stop, you pretty much just have to walk in front of the vehicles coming straight for you. Kelsi took a picture of us from the edge of the sidewalk and almost died, but it was totally worth it! It was a lovely picture :P I am sure we offered much amusement to everyone at KFC after we had finally gotten there and gotten our cones. We had one of the workers take pictures of us all with our ice cream cones laughing hysterically and speaking in English.
Over dinner I also learned some interesting Chinese myths that they grow up with. Apparently young girls are told to eat every grain of rice off of their plate because the number of grains left will be the number of pimples their future husband will have. Also, how close to the tip of your chopsticks you hold them signifies your love life. If you hold the end very close to the plate you will marry your neighbor. The farther from the tip you hold them the farther away your husband with be from. As a side note I was also informed that I look 14 or 16 rather than my actual 23. This was rather interesting for our Asian visitors though, because it is usually the Asians that look so much younger than their actual ages and Caucasians who always look older. I was not sure it was not certain I found quite as interesting a find :P
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