When hopes and dreams can be reality

Today has been in some ways hard as usual, but also wonderful. For once I got to see something through someone else's eyes. It was a view I never hoped to see, and one that has made everything look so much brighter. I had no idea how much I needed it. 

There was a gentleman on the most recent team I had noticed had taken a special interest in a child of mine. I felt the need to go and talk with him, and I am so glad I did. Apparently there was a child he was thinking of adopting, but was still discerning if it was feasible. I was able to sit there and listen to him talk about his family and his home. He told me of all the plans they had made, and how his family was looking forward to welcoming the child home. I got to watch him with the children, and how wonderful he was with them, how they instantly loved him. There are not a lot of men who come through here, and seeing my babies smiling and laughing on this middle aged gentleman's knee was beautiful. Then to hear he might one day be the father for one lucky child was something that truly touched me. I see my babies everyday, and everyday I love them more. I know their quirks, what toys they like, who they play with, what makes them laugh, and what makes them cry. I know where they are the most ticklish, or what to do to distract them when I leave the room. When I look at these babies I see who they are, and I can not help but dream what sort of future they could have. I am an unstoppable optimist. I see every bright future possible, and can't help but believe that it truly is possible. I see the little boy who has no use of his legs, and is terribly shy, but when you take the time with him he will love you. He'll follow you around. If you stop to talk to him and wait he'll start jabbering at you and pointing, and giggling and smiling, but only if you wait for it. Most people don't wait for it, and he knows it. If you do he'll love you and he'll smile and talk, just for you. I see this little boy and think of what a family could hold for him. He is a master at getting around already. Imagine what he could do with a wheel chair? He can say one or two words, but if he had a family where he could have people give him the time and patience he needs he would just blossom! I see what it does for him when I call his name and squat on the floor to take a minute to have a conversation or to pick out a toy he'll love. (He likes the ones that roll, because then he can push it and chase it. The little tubes or cones or even the truck are perfectly delightful in his eyes and will keep him smiling and preoccupied for quite awhile). I can't help but think about it and hope for it. A child without any neurological ability in his legs isn't the first child a family thinks of adopting, especially when there are other possibilities of unknown complications. It breaks my heart to think that,  because he deserves so much more, every one of my babies does. Sometimes trying so hard to be realistic when my heart is screaming that anything is possible for these children is a very wrenching thing to do. It is conflicting and exhausting. But for the first time, I heard of the possible future for a child with a severe condition, that was everything I dreamed it could be and more, and it wasn't only a hope, a dream, and a prayer. It was a reality, something that could actually happen for a baby just like mine. I wanted to cry. I needed that. I needed to know that there was hope for my babies. That maybe somewhere there was a family, a home, a life, a future waiting for them. That maybe there was a sweet man like this one just waiting for the chance to be a father to one of these children that I hold every day and love with every piece of my being. This little girl with a severe heart condition whose years might be very numbered, but makes me smile everyday. A little one who has had liver issues, and though currently doing well, learning to roll over crawl and laugh, might need a transplant someday. something she can't get unless she is adopted. Or a little boy who simply had a cleft palate and has the sweetest smile I have ever seen in all the world. I get to see their first smiles, hear their laughs, teach them to walk, see their first steps. Every time I do, I can't help but think that they should be on their own homes with a family to celebrate and cheer and cry for them and how amazing each of these accomplishments are. 

Seeing that and hoping was an unlooked for gift. Knowing, that at least for one child out there all these dreams were possible was what I needed to justify my hope for all the others. 

Weathering the storm to see the sun again

The last three days have been blessedly peacefully. There were many times I wondered if they ever would be again this last week, when I had time to think of anything other than my babies that is.

It is funny how some things seem so simple to you, but you realize that given certain circumstances they can be devastating. I had a virus run through my floor last week with the gifts of nausea, vomiting, fevers, and diarrhea distributed in various combinations to my children. It was something that in the very early stages I didn't think that much of. At home, if the child is healthy and older a little virus stinks, but isn't that big a deal in the long run. Here my children are most all under the age of 4, and my floor personally only has one or two over the age of 2. The children that are here are also not in perfect health to begin with. They are here because of some sort of condition or disability. Some of them are stable, but some of them the slightest illness has the possibility of putting them over the edge. It was so hard to walk from room to room and hear how so many of my babies were getting sick, and there is so little you can do for them with a virus. Mostly you must just let it run it's course. That was tough, but what was worse was seeing first hand how devastating the effect could be. I have one little boy who has always been sturdy and healthy, and after a day and a half of diarrhea I walked into the room and found him white as a sheet without the strength to move his arms or even more than flutter his eyelids. I had been checking on the rooms frequently through out the day, but it was still a shock. This little boy I held and played with and never had to worry about, I might lose. Dr. Steve instantly decided to do fluids for him, and after dozens of tries with his tiny dehydrated veins we were able to get an IV in. I cannot tell you how long that night was praying I would find him improved in the morning and that I wouldn't lose my baby. That wasn't the only night like that either. He didn't improve for 4 days. He was one I had thought was safe, but one little virus almost took him. When the virus finally eased a little and he started having hours between episodes I was ecstatic! When we took him off of the IV I might have jumped up and down telling Kelsie about it. When I held him this morning with him this morning as his smiling usual self I almost cried. To hold him in my arms after being so worried I wouldn't be able to was a miracle that brought me more joy than most anything has.

Right in the early stages of the virus I received a new baby to my floor with a very complicated heart condition we were told was inoperable. We are planning to do some more searching into it to see if there are any other options, but as it stands there is really no hope for my slightly blue, but terribly sweet baby boy. I had made sure to hold him and spend as much time with him as I could and to take pictures, just in case I wouldn't have the chance. This dear child caught the virus a day or two after getting here. We eventually admitted him to the hospital since the risk was too great to try and balance everything as perfectly as it would have to be to keep him alive. He is still there, and he will remain in my thoughts and prayers until he comes home. We won't hear a word until he does or he passes on. I am desperately hoping he comes home to me. If he has to go I want to know that he isn't alone and can be held and loved. I was able to hold him on the way to the hospital and all the way until the nurse took him from my arms and behind the door in the back. 

There was more child of a very serious note who caught this virus, but for him it only troubled him a couple of hours. He had started having fevers in the early am. I checked him on my rounds and found him a little feverish, but content. I walked into the next room and not 10 minutes later was rushed back to find him only able to take in small gasps of air. I took him to the treatment room and got him on oxygen and Dr. Steve there, but there was really nothing that could be done for him. His whole body had just shut down. His eyes stopped blinking or reacting, his limbs were cold, and breathing had simply became something that was too much to ask for. Dr. Steve gave him to me to hold throughout the last of his time while they checked on the other children. Holding and praying for this child he really on took a few more breaths, each farther and farther apart. Finally he just didn't take another. I could still feel his heart beating for a time before that too stopped. I always thought that you would know instantly when someone passed away, books and movies seem to make it seem that way,but you don't unless you have a monitor to give you an exact instance. It is a gradual process. Each part of their body dies a little on its own. The whole process took only maybe 15 or 20 minutes. He was ready to go. It was his time. A cliche phrase, but something that feels innately appropriate in some, very sad way. He was always a simple child who was never able to manage to do too much. He had a sweet smile he would send you if you tickled him, and he might try to grab your hand, but that was about all he could manage. His development never really took off as it should. He missed many of those hurdles and was never quite able to try and catch up. Dr. Steve believes he had some sort of syndrome we were unable to diagnose from here. He had a couple side issues, but they were probably more symptoms of the overlying condition than anything. I can not help but know he was one of those children put on this earth with only a short time to live and any time we had was a blessing. I pray where ever he is he is as happy and content as he was to sit in his little bouncer or to be cuddled by the ayi.

Overall it made for a long, hard, difficult week. Now when I walk into the rooms and have the ayis tell me there are no problems and see my babies playing, or have them running to me yelling mama and all trying to fit into my lap I can not help but feel like there is nothing I would trade in the entire world.

She is the only one he will call mama and she loves him to distraction. I think they are perfectly adorable together! 

He is about to kiss the iPad. 

  

To Xi'an and back again

What an adventure! Lily and Heidi (the Phillipean nurses) , Kelsi, Bingmei (the visiting Chinese nurse from Australia), and I all left at 5:30 am to start our adventures to Xi'an. We started with the semi fast sleeper train to Xi'an. When we got tickets only the sleeper train tickets were left, so we had the sleeper bunks for the two and a half hour trip there. Sleeper trains are interesting and fun! There were little rooms that had four bunks, two on each side. In the middle was a little table, and each bed was equipped with pillow and rumpled bedding. We were warned about the bedding since the frequency of washing is questionable and rare to say the least. Knowing this Kelsi sat precariously on the bottom bunk where she was greeted by the delightfully still damp drool spot left by the previous tenant next to the pillow. While she sat up safely on e bottom bunk Bingmei and I took full advantage of the opportunity to sleep and crawled into the top bunks. My bunk was perfectly delightful(being drool free). While I was in the bunk it made me laugh because Bingmei and I went through the exact same process with our bunks at about the exact same time entirely independent of each other. Every time I looked over at her bunk it was to find her coming to the same conclusion I had reached. We were at first of course hesitant and careful to use as little of the bedding as possible. I had my hoodie on with my hair covered and didn't use the blanket at all. A little later my feet were cold, so I figured it wasn't so bad to cover up my feet a little. Shortly later the blankets inched up a bit more, and then a little bit more, until finally we both gave up and just bundled up completely. I made the executive decision that I was washable and sleep was a much more worthwhile endeavor. 

Picture compliments of Kelsi! This was still very early in the trip with us avoiding the bedding.

After we got off the train we were careful to follow the instructions our friend Polly had written out for us. Step one, arrive! Step two, get off the train. Step three, ignore any offers for taxis as you approach the door. They are probably trying to scam you. Wait till you are outside and find your own. As predicted as soon as we got near the door we had a gentleman offering us taxi service. We dutifully ignored him and walked outside, where chaos immediately commenced! We were instantly surrounded by voices calling and taxi drivers pushing around us, calling out for us to take their cab. It was so crazy!  was sooo glad I was not the one who spoke Chinese and had figure out which one to take. We had five of us and didn't want to take two taxis, so ultimately got in the first taxi that told us they would let us. The first taxi driver said we weren't allowed, but there was another who quickly offered to let us. After we we got a ways out the driver very politely requested that someone hide if the police drove by. 

We made it the hour to the terra cotta warriors and were let off near the entrance. Once there we were told that it was the wrong entrance each different place we tried to approach. I thought we had found the right place when two gentlemen jumped up at our approach. I was wrong. They simply wanted a better look at me because I was white. Bing Mei asked them about the entrance and one was a helpful taxi driver and offered to take us to the actual entrance for 5 quai a piece, since we still had a ways to go. We refused and started to walk away. After he was unable to convince us  with his multiple attempts he finally laughed and revealed the entrance had been right behind him the whole time, just behind a couple of street venders. Apparently that is just the way things are expected to go. You have to be super distrusting and prove you are more stubborn than anyone else if you want to get a fair price or avoid being tricked.

We finally got in and got to see terra cotta warriors, according to the sign often touted the 8th wonder of the world. It was amazing! There are three pits. We walked in and saw rows upon rows warriors. There were so many, so intricately done, and each so different. You could see their faces and how each was completely unique. It was explained to me that the emperor had each person who made the statues fashion them after themselves, and once the emperor died those people were buried with him to be his army for eternity. It was both awe inspiring and really sad to see so many. As the older Brittish gentleman standing in front of me said "each individual little chappie!" ( I hade to share the quote because it made me laugh far more than it should). Here are some pictures I stole from Heidi, Lily, and Kelsi.

Pit 1

 The Third pit had streets and walls built around the warriors and seemed to have some of the more prestigious officers.

The second pit had very few sections that were completely uncovered yet because they had built buildings to house them all. Some of the revealed sections were in much greater disrepair. But you could see armor and faces and parts of chariots if you looked closely. It was kind of sad to see them all lying there in their many parts with a few distinctive pieces that would catch you eye.

They had a couple of soldiers out on display where you could see all of the little details put into each. I couldn't get over their expressions. One looked so serious, and another had an almost smile on his lips  like he was slightly amused the entire time. You could see the personality in their faces. Not to mention the detail in the sculpture down to the crinkles in the corners of the horses mouths or the missing pins in the plated armor. Sorry the pictures didn't transfer well enough to see.

After there was the exhibition hall where I anticipated a more detailed exhibition on the warriors, maybe more information on them or some of the sculptures on display. Instead we were greeted by an exhibit on Ancient Rome. It was fascinating of course, but I found it completely random and unexpected in the setting. 

After we finished we walked through some of the touristy booths and such and took some random pictures with the decorations there.

We then started the adventure of trying to find a taxi back to the city. We had been told we payed too much the first time, so we decided to insist on a cheaper price or take the bus. The group of taxis inside the establishment were all working together, so when one gave us a price, none of the others would accept any lower. One driver hadn't heard and offered us 50 quai less, but took it back when one of the others enlightened him of the earlier price. We tried the taxis outside thinking they would be cheaper and easier to bargain with. They were slightly, but refused to meet our price. We didn't think it was a big deal since we were planning on taking the bus anyway, so we stopped arguing and looked for the bus. Once we found it it seemed perfect. We would have to switch buses, but we could get where we needed to go for much cheaper. We remembered to ask how long it would take and found out that our beautiful had met with a hitch. it would be at least an hour before we even got on the bus we needed to be on. The taxis didn't seem so bad anymore, even paying a but more than we should. We walked out and waved one down. We asked him for our slightly raised price with everything included. He refused at first but quickly accepted when we insisted. We all piled in and after we had pulled away he jovially explained to us that we would actually be paying a bit more since our price was so cheap we would have to pay the toll tickets as well. We almost got at at that point when exclaimed that he had promised an all inclusive price and he was trying to cheat us. We gave in after a couple of minutes of arguing because it just wasn't worth it any more at that point. Thinking the matter over with we were surprised to have him spend the entire hour long trip explaining in great detail how he was completely justified and we must have misunderstood all along. His voice was something exceptional as well. While all Chinese has a way of sometimes sounding angry or loud to those who are unfamiliar with it, his voice brought this to new levels and helped me to come to the conclusion that getting out when he offered would not have been an altogether bad decision. Poor Bing Mei had the pleasure of sitting beside him and understanding all of his tirade. It didn't help that his driving was just as assertive as his personality. I took to praying for the pedestrians to pass the time.

Once we finally made it there the "finding the Starbucks" portion of our trip commenced. I will try to abbreviate the next portion of our trip because putting into detail running back and forth and up and down and looking for various places, buses, and people makes for a long read and an even longer day. It was crazy and tiring,but I enjoyed it. It was all certainly an adventure. We were to meet Kelsi's friend David from America who had just come over to teach English at the Starbucks, but that was more of a chore than expected to find. There was a huge intersection and they had built an under pass beneath it for the many many pedestrians to cross with different entrances for each of the streets. We became extremely well aquianted with all of them, multiple times until we finally found the Starbucks, and the other Starbucks because apparently there were two. Dear Bing Mei was a master of stopping strangers to ask where to go. It was interesting because there are distinct groups you see. They are mostly in twos and it is couples, two women/girls, or mothers and daughters and they are all usually holding hands. Sometimes you will see to guys walking together or some men walking alone, but the majority were paired off. Being an American I dont usually hold hands with someone other than a child or a boyfriend, but when Bing Mei grabbed my hand I decided it was a delightful custom that involved me not getting lost in the crowd. 

After we finally found her friend 

we checked out the Muslim district which had a bunch of street venders selling touristy knick nacks and tons of street food. On the way there Bing Mei stopped and helped a lady who was passing out from low blood sugar, just to add another little side adventure to our day. in the Muslim district I loved the finger painting I saw! I really wish I had gotten some there instead of deciding to wait now. It is amazing to see. They have the most minuscule and delicate land scrapes and designs all made by finger painting in ink. You can watch them make these tiny master pieces with simply a large bulky finger. Looking at them you would have sworn they had to have been made by the tiniest of brushes. They had other art venders as well, but that was the one I had not seen before. I have found they have a lot of street venders and stores where they make and sell traditional Chinese paintings. There is an art district where I am that you can go and see all of these beautiful intricate paintings being made everyday. They food looked extremely interesting, and I wasn't sure what most of it was. They had little snack bars of dried peas that looked and were sold like bricks of fudge. I did try one with peanuts and found it...interesting. It is kind of dry and powdery and pea tasting. It wasn't entirely distasteful, but I think I prefer fudge. Here is a picture of the street.

Next we spent forever trying to get to the right bus so we could meet one of David's more local friends to figure out how to eat. That was another adventure and took forever. By the time we got there we only had time to grab the famous Xi'an Chinese hamburger to go before heading out to the wild geese pagoda and the water show. The hamburger was finely chopped beef (we chose the not fatty option) mixed with broth, fried and put into a salty flat bread bun. I enjoyed it! But most everyone else found it really salty.

The wild geese pagoda water show was really neat! I had so much fun there. They had the pagoda in the back with a huge pool in front of it filled with tiny fountains that shot up water along with the music they had playing. They would have different streams intersecting and spouting and spaing and over all it made for a beautiful display. I loved it because when you would stand and watch it would spray over you leaving you soaked making it an extremely advanced form of playing in the rain. We couldn't stop laughing and got a lot of stares, but it was totally worth it because they would have stared anyway :P The fact that I get stared at no matter what I do has kind of made it pointless to try not to be ridiculous. 

It made for a lovely end of trip, so we grabbed ice cream from KFC before heading out to try to get to the train station and back home. We had thought we had left with plenty of time and wouldn't have a problem. We were obviously overly optimistic. We then proceeded to try and wave down taxis from various streets and found the, either full or unable to stop where we were. We tried over and over again before finding a place where they were stopping. We couldn't find any empty ones or get them in time! One gentleman in a regular car offered to taxi us in his unregistered taxi, but we decided that probably wasn't our best option, but time was starting to get very limited and we were starting to get very worried. This is the point that a little rickshaw pulled up and offered to take us to the metro for 15 quai. We didn't have many options, and we did all fit, so we said, why not! We proceeded to have all 5 of us pile in this tiny three wheeled doorless motorized vehicle driven by what looked like a 15 year old boy and pull into the 6 lane traffic jammed highway

This is our vehicle 

He pulled straight into traffic and proceeded to weave in and out of the partially stopped traffic, pulling out in front of bikes, buses, cars alike. I have never felt so close to and personally involved with the vehicles around us! Apparently as we pulled away they saw a lot of the traffic was from a bus hitting rickshaw very much like our own. We continued to go p,aces no car could ever go pulling up close to the side where the wall beside the road could have easily removed my fingers if I had let move even an inch outside of the vehicle. We are all laughing hysterically the entire time with many exclamations of, "we are going to die!" As our driver proceeds to drive off the road onto the sidewalk, or I should say attempt to since it was too much weight for the tiny vehicle to pull over the lip forcing him to back up back into traffic and pull around to a shorter portion of sidewalk. He then continued merrily along the sidewalk as pedestrians jumped out of the way and squeezed between the concrete sidewalk blocks I was under the impression we couldn't possibly fit through. I learned I was mistaken. After that we made it back onto the road, but instead of going with traffic this time we went head on the opposite way on the highway TOWARDS the on coming vehicles. Until he pulled off to start driving through the cars parked at the red light now going perpendicularly to the flow of traffic. We finally turned around to go the opposite way with traffic, something that apparently you shouldn't take for granted. He then took us off of that road down a side lane (again opposite traffic flow) at the end there was a motorcycle stopped with traffic since it flowed into another road. We all were becoming more and more nervous as he is flying down this road with no signs of stopping and the motorcycle is getting closer and closer. You could see the motorcyclist becoming more and more nervous as well as he starts looking around and trying to walk his motorcycle backwards before realizing he is completely trapped by traffic. We finally pull to a stop inches away, sliding so the tires touch. We were utterly confused until the driver calmly said, you're here! Apparently the building off to the side was our destination. We piled out and he pulled onto the sidewalk to turn around. Bing Mei explained that though she had lived in China for 16 years that was the most dangerous thing she had ever done in her life. 

We then quickly ran down into the metro to try and get our tickets (after I made Kelsi risk life and limb to get the picture of our cart. I am such a good roommate!). Bing Mei's friend who was a local and had been helping us over the phone the entire day met us at the metro and helped us get all the right tickets. Even so we had to run to make it on, but we did! 

We got to the train station (there were of course more people staring at me on the train. We almost tried to make a music video to "dancing on the train" but were discouraged by Bing Mei who assured us we would become an instant Internet sensation in china.) at the train station we had to check in and pick up our return tickets since you are not allowed to get them ahead of time. You pay for them, but have to pick the up there in case you don't show and they can resell your ticket. We at first couldn't find the place to get them, but abing Mei's dear friend took off running to find it for us. When we finally got in line time was very short and her friend was saying the entire time that we were never going to make it. He wasn't opposed to the idea since he wanted us to stay and go clubbing with him in Xi'an. Bing Mei on the other hand had an early morning ticket home and was not so much a fan. We got our tickets just in time, waved good bye  through security, and ran onto the train with the already boarding passengers. 

Overall to made for a crazy, exciting, adventure filled, exhausting day! Fun times, but we were certainly glad to have Mariah waiting with the van at the train station so we didn't have to find another taxi home.

The sunshine through the smog

It has been awhile since I posted so it is probably time. There have been a lot of things that have happened, I've learned, or thought would be interesting to post, but I am certain I will remember to post only a few. The past week or so has been quite a bit of a roller coaster with emotions, things happening, people visiting, ect. 

I have been getting to know my babies very well on my floor since I am personally responsible for them and spend so much time with them. This is both a good thing and a difficult thing. It means I notice the more minor changes in playing habits, discomfort levels, likes and dislikes, and all of the other little things I can chart or simply enjoy, but it also means that I love them and it is very personal and difficult when anything happens to them. There were two children I have specifically in mind when I say this. My first was one of my CP children. He is a quite child who was usually content to sit in his little chair. If you take the time to talk to him, or especially to touch his face when you are explaining how much you love him, he will smile the biggest smile! Then if you tickle him he'll laugh and kind of push your hands away. As I said, he is quite, but he can brighten up a room with his smile. I didn't even realize what a crucial part of that room he was or how much I was going to miss him until he was gone. The orphanage decided to switch out some of our children recently because they had gotten more babies in that needed our care. They made the decision to take out some of our CP babies to make room for the other children. It makes me sad, but it makes sense. Those children are stable. They will require life long care, but they are not critical. I am saddened because the state run orphanages won't have the time to sit with these children and feed them slowly or try figure out what will make them smile or laugh. For some of them even these small things take a lot of effort and are a hard won reward. There were 5 children that were taken, and I can not begin to express my relief that only one of mine was. It was hard enough for me to realize my little one had been taken and I hadn't gotten a chance to say good bye. That I think is what bothered me the most, to walk into the room and realize one was missing and I wouldn't be able to hold him ever again. 

The other child that made this week difficult for me was my one little girl. She is only a few months old, incredibly tiny with the most adorable hair that spikes out all over her head and little scrunched up face.  She is a very easy going child, but I was very clearly faced with the fact that this tiny baby is palliative care. She has some problems with the formation and function of her brain and there is nothing that can be done for her. So we keep her comfortable, and if something happens we are to try and keep her from any pain or distress, and then let her go. This week she got sick and I was warned there was a good chance she wouldn't make it. As I held her fragile body watched her slight chest quivering with the effort to breath and her eyes looking right into my own, I had to find a way to try and make my brain realize this baby would probably die. I have a hard time accepting anything is impossible and giving up hope is pretty much an impossibility for me, so even if I repeat the facts to myself it is hard for me to make it a reality. That little one has so many prayers said over her! As the week has gone on she has gone through the process of this illness and has managed to hold her own in spite of everything. There is still a good chance she won't make it or that some other illness will take her from us if this one doesn't, but for now she is still here, still breathing, still here for me to care for and love. 

These things definitely add to the emotional aspect of any week. That, and simply the fact that the better I know these children the more I love them. Re-going over the charts after knowing the children better is an entirely different experience. Reading some child has such and such heart defect or critical illness is different from reading your little one who jumps into your arms or holds your hand when you walk into the room isn't likely to live for more than a year or two at the very best or that it is very likely with their medical issues they will never be seen as "adoptable"

That is one of the things that is so hard about the CP children, or any of the children here for that matter! It is amazing how much a child with CP is able to love, or how they brighten up my day no matter what has happened. There is a little girl who is pretty much the sunshine in my life when sun can't break through the smog of China. I walk into the room and as soon as she sees me she starts grinning and trying to roll over to look at me. As soon as I start talking to her her smile grows and she just starts moving all over because she is so exquisitely happy to be near me and have me talk to or touch her. It is almost as if when these children's minds were injured, though they lost some function and ability they also lost all capacity for malice or selfishness and replaced it with love and joy. I can not explain the beauty of this little girl when I hold her slightly stiffened body in my arms and she reaches up to touch my face and hair because to her they are the most amazing things in the world. I bounce her and it makes her happy. I hold her and she holds me back as best as she can. When I sing she tries to make noises to match mine smiling up at me. On paper she is another child with CP with limited function and mental ability, a lot of work and heart ache for anyone. Seeing her and knowing her I can not comprehend how anyone could possibly not want to have this child be a part of every moment of the rest of their lives. The world is full of complications and heart aches and sorrow, but looking into her eyes you see only the things that really matter, the small things that make life worth living. She is a living breathing reminder of what is good in this world. There are some of the children with CP are not able to do or register as much as she is. I have one who does not notice when I talk to her or touch her at all, but then I see her ayi's showing her a toy that lights up because it is pretty and she will see and like that. It warms my heart. 

Living here is a hard balance to find. We have had a lot of visitors the past couple of days and it is interesting to see them struggle to find their place and purpose here, as I have. There is a very fine line to walk between doing all you can and accepting what you cannot. The people who come here, including myself, are those hoping to make a difference, to help. The thing is, that when you get here there are already people who have devoted their lives to that very purpose, who have done all they can and have found the limitations they haven't been able to change. There is always more that can be done or offered, I believe, but when you come in trying to change things it is very easy to not understand the situation and to unintentionally degrade the work that has been being done. When you go in and ask why something isn't being done for a child, it implies that person there before you didn't put forth that effort earlier. A lot of the time it was because of a limitation forced on them by lack of resources, ability, or simply in what they are given the freedom to do with children not strictly their own.  There are changes that can be made or things that can be done, and there are always needs that could be met, but sometimes it is hard to see just where those are. I am finding sometimes good intentions can do more damage than good when there are not the resources to support it. Ultimately it is always the children that are the priority, but how best to help them to your utmost ability is often a struggle here. 

Hmmm, for my random little bits of China. We got to go to the Duck restaurant again, and it was delightful as always. We all got to try a lot of exciting dishes and some delicious tea. I had Kelsi take pictures, so I will add them if I can steal them from her. 

In the front is a fried corn dish and beside it a salad and beside that peanuts served with your choice of salt or sugar.

In front is the remainder of the duck with the onions, plum sauce, and tortillas. Beside it is a fish dish. The little things that look like muffins are a sort of purple very sweet sweet potato they serve here. They have it mashed in the middle and shredded fried pieces on the outside.

Afterwards we went on the great adventure of weaving through Chinese evening traffic to get ice cream cones at KFC. There is both pedestrian traffic and vehicular traffic, and mopeds/bikes/motorcycles/motorized bikes/scooters all count as both. They can go either with the pedestrian walk signs or green lights, so the pedestrian traffic crossing with the walk sign is almost as dangerous as crossing the traffic with the cars. People don't stop, you pretty much just have to walk in front of the vehicles coming straight for you. Kelsi took a picture of us from the edge of the sidewalk and almost died, but it was totally worth it! It was a lovely picture :P I am sure we offered much amusement to everyone at KFC after we had finally gotten there and gotten our cones. We had one of the workers take pictures of us all with our ice cream cones laughing hysterically and speaking in English. 

Over dinner I also learned some interesting Chinese myths that they grow up with. Apparently young girls are told to eat every grain of rice off of their plate because the number of grains left will be the number of pimples their future husband will have. Also, how close to the tip of your chopsticks you hold them signifies your love life. If you hold the end very close to the plate you will marry your neighbor. The farther from the tip you hold them the farther away your husband with be from. As a side note I was also informed that I look 14 or 16 rather than my actual 23. This was rather interesting for our Asian visitors though, because it is usually the Asians that look so much younger than their actual ages and Caucasians who always look older. I was not sure it was not certain I found quite as interesting a find :P

The strength of a heart

Hallmark movies are a wonderful invention. Hallmark movies, coffee breaks on the roof, friends, simple projects, comfy cushions, fellowship, and prayers are things that make up the mortar that holds my life together. There are days when the afternoon coffee break on the roof with mundane conversation, or sometimes the more serious conversations that attempt to help bring understanding are what gives you the ability to get up and make it through the day. The Hallmark movies at night where the plot is predictable and everything turns out right in the end are the contrast to your world that you need so that for that hour and a half you can actually believe that everything will be ok. That is a luxury unavailable for the rest of the 22.5 hours of the day. Everything isn't necessarily going to be ok, and far too often things do not turn out right in the end. 

This post is one that could go so many different directions. I think I am just going to write and wait till I am done to find out just what it needs to be. Being here is hard, and today was hard for me. We sent one little girl to the hospital last night after spending hours trying to keep her breathing and another little boy this morning with a similarly heart wrenching process. The little boy was from my floor, one of my babies. Later in the day there was another child in crisis that had to go to the hospital from another floor. We have a lot we can, and do do here, but there are some things beyond our ability to do as a facility. We can not intubate or do CPAP and we have been asked not to do surgeries in our facility. We can not give TPN and don't do IVs. So when a non-palliative child gets to the point we have exhausted everything we can do for them, our final option is to send them to the hospital. Once there we will get bills, and a call to either pick up the child or the death certificate, nothing in between. Thankfully we have had no word. That means they survived the trip to the hospital and are still alive, a blessing far from guaranteed. 

Every breath of every child here is a miracle in some way and being faced with that fact over and over again, seeing child after child struggle to simply breath, fighting desperately to stay alive is....exhausting, in oh so many ways. There are times I can not wait for this time in my life to be over so I can go home to a life where every day does not ring my heart and require so much of myself on such a personal level. When I am exhausted at home it might be mentally from school, or physically from work or lack of sleep, but very rarely is it ever in my heart and soul. I have never had trouble sleeping in my life, but I have been finding that every night before I go to sleep I go over my babies in my mind, over and over again, to the point it is sometimes it takes hours to fall asleep. I think of them, how they are, what they can expect, where they will be, what will become of them, what more can I do, what would make them happy, are they gonna be ok, did I miss anything, and what ever will I do when I have to leave them. When ever the thought of wanting to go home, and of being safe and secure and comfortable enters my mind, it is followed by an even more pressing one. How am I ever going to be able to go home? How will I ever be able to leave my babies? The thought of living anyplace where I can not see my babies everyday is almost unimaginable. When I am sad or tired or upset just I walk downstairs into one of my rooms and a child or children run into my arms desperate to hold me and be near me or to show me a toy or be tickled and it is suddenly alright again. Sometimes I just look through the pictures on my iPad and I can not help but smile to see their beautiful faces. Everything in my world is suddenly right. I spend most of my days smiling and laughing because sharing my life with these children makes me happier than I think I have ever been. If it wasn't for how wonderful they are it wouldn't be so hard to be faced with the thought of losing any of them. It makes every day I get to spend with them a blessing. I could talk about each child for hours and hours and hours (which my brother can assure you can be summed up in s/he is super cute!). I get to be here to know these children that many people will never get the chance to know. I get to see their first steps, hear their first words, comfort them when they cry, know all of the funny little things they do that would make them laugh in years to come. It is an amazing thing to be able to say. I can assure you that these children are some of the most amazing children I have ever met! The little boy who rolls everywhere because his joints won't bend, but he is fluent in English and Chinese. He usually translates for me and even tries to get me to teach him sign language. Then there is the little girl who was born without some bones and with some deformities of her limbs who can still manage to blow kisses and is teaching herself to walk. She is also more patient than any child I have ever known. There is the little boy who can not use his legs but will see me from the end of the hall and army crawl out of the door and down the hall faster than most children can run. Or the little girl who was born with only half a heart who always comes in my office to help me refill the meds by taking caps off or shaking bottles or throwing away trash, then goes back to her room and helps the ayi's with the other children. She loves having her toenails painted and her hair done and is entirely too adorable walking around the room with her "purse" filled with random toys. I am going to end this post with some of the many pictures that make me smile. Here are some pictures from the last couple of days.