The journey's end

I never wrote an end to my blog. I never summed up those closing chapters as I always intended. I left this story hanging, open ended and uncertain, a little lost. Almost the same way I felt I was when I returned to the States. I took that last week or so to try and explore and see all of the "must see" sights of China, more because I knew I would be ashamed to return to America and tell everyone I never even bothered to see the Great Wall of China then because I had a great urge to see it at the time. It is an awesome and historical sight. As are many of the famous sights of China. Unfortunately most of them seemed to have been dressed up to look pretty for visitors and had lost some of that deep feeling of history that they should carry. The scars and scuffs are what show the true story of those that lived before, in my opinion. The fresh coat of paint only serves to hide the stories that make all of those lives seem so real. But as amazing as squeezing in seeing all of these sights was for me, it was a rough time. I wasn't ready to write this blog. I didn't really have time for it, but nor did I want to make time for it. I had to say good bye to my children, my friends who were continuing to sacrifice their lives to care for these children I loved and wished I could protect, and the sense of purpose and meaning I had found in my life. It made it so much harder knowing I couldn't even see the clear purpose I had in returning home. I had never intended to stay. I had all of my perfect plans set out very logically, but when it came down to it I was leaving those I knew who needed me. Any one who knows me would realize who terrible and crushing a burden that was to me, especially with no equally profound purpose in sight I was leaving it for. Plans down the road to achieve, but ultimately no tangible reason with in reach. And that last week I spent sight seeing was just another week I had lost with the babies I loved. I probably needed it emotionally, but giving yourself the emotional time you "need", doesn't mean you know what to do with it or that it will actually help you. I had lost my baby, he had died in my arms, and I had to say good bye to my little girl knowing I would probably never see her again, and if she wasn't adopted she probably wouldn't survive long enough for me to be legally able to adopt her. Those two, on top of leaving everyone else were just about more than I could handle at the time.

Then I returned to America where everything that was so different, was disturbingly completely the same. As prepared as I was to handle so much, I wasn't prepared to handle that. I returned to a boyfriend who loved and missed me, and was so grateful to be able to spend some of the time with me that he hadn't been able to all of the last ten months, and a family who were so happy to no longer have to worry about me living on the other side of the world so far from their support and protection. As much as my mother tried to never bother me with her concern and worry, I know it had been very hard for her. It was wonderful to be back with them again, but those first few days and weeks left me feeling a little lost. Walking into rooms with people speaking in English and being able to understand every word that was said, with all sorts of conversations and interactions thrust upon me was overwhelming. I went to visit some of the places that I had usually gone before and felt like a complete stranger. I'd walk in and every one would talk to me and include me, used to the enthusiastic all involved person I normally was, and all I wanted was to sit back and be left alone. I was used to observing, and coupled with the fact I no longer felt like I could belong there was exhausting. I'd try and sit back, and inevitably some well meaning person would approach and ask the dreaded question "How was China?!", " I bet you had tons of fun!!". How was I supposed to answer that? What could I say to that obviously socially acceptable and well meant question that no one wanted a true answer to? It made me angry to hear it. It wasn't fair, or even reasonable. I understood that on a logical level, but it didn't help me from feeling trapped and put upon. When people ask many questions it is simply to make others feel comfortable with the flow of conversation, and have no desire for deep or difficult answers that will kill conversations or make others feel awkward. There is an expected "right" answer to most social questions, but I have never been able to be ok with a dishonest easy answer. I couldn't lie and give the expected "Of course! It was a blast!" Nor did I have the right to thrust the harsh social awareness of the experience on them with a reply that passed through my mind like "I cared for babies abandoned by every one who should love them most and had infants die in my arms while doing everything I could for the others who even if they were able to survive childhood probably had no future to speak of, but yeah, who wouldn't have a blast!" I had chosen the realities I lived, and as harsh as many of them were, they were also some of the most beautiful moments of my life. The random acquaintances I ran into weren't looking for that, nor had they made the choice to confront those harsh realities. It took time, but I was able to settle on a vague, but sincere answer of "It was a very rewarding experience" With the addendum of "As with everything, there were both good and bad experiences". 

Many months later my thoughts of those experiences are much less raw and much more bittersweet. I have pictures of my little ones up around my apartment that both make me smile and tug at my heart. There are still times that I think of those I lost and I tear up and have to take a moment to catch my breath. Thankfully they are not too frequent, but I wouldn't give them up. Those children deserve to always be remembered and missed. I have since learned that my little girl and many of the little ones I cared for have been adopted and brought home to new families in America where they can be loved and have access to a real future. While a part of me was sad that they couldn't be mine, so much more of me could not thank God enough for bringing them home in safety. Hearing that gave me hope that I had needed and makes me smile even now. I was blessed to be able to read the blog written by the mother of my little girl as they brought her home. I suppose I shouldn't call her mine anymore, more so I am hers because while she has her own family she will always have a piece of my heart, and I am ok with that. There is a new future starting for all of them, just as it has for me. I don't know what God has planned for me, or if I will ever be able to return someday. I can only learn and grow and hope that I am prepared for what ever or where ever he needs me to be next. God bless all! I think that is officially the close of this story of my life. 

A foggy place

The time to go home is fast approaching and it is getting scarier and scarier the closer it gets. My mother laughed when I said that. Going to an unknown country with no connections, experience, or language knowledge, and no idea what to expect is supposed to be the scary part. Going back to my home where I have always had a place, to the country I have grown up in is supposed to be the easy part. "Supposed to" has a funny way of not always making it to a reality. No matter that I should be ecstatic to be going home to my family and those I love, instead my heart just breaks a little more at the thought because going home means no longer being here. I have found such meaning in my life being here. I have known who I was supposed to be and exactly what it was I should be doing. This is where I belonged. I belong with my children holding them, loving them, helping them. This is where I have truly gotten to be the person I wanted to be. It has been such a long and complex road, but only now am I finally starting to feel as though I belong and know just what it is to do. I finally feel like I am more of an asset and have something to offer. I have just enough knowledge to be able to work on my own without too many fears of doing it wrong. I have my own family here of the people I work with. Even when I am at a unit by myself I know I am surrounded by people who care checking up on me and making plans. 

I am looking out at the rainy foggy world of Chinese spring time and it suits my mood perfectly.

 I am back in Luoyang for three days to finish my goodbyes and packing, and then I am off to Beijing to try my hand as a tourist before going back home for good. It is a sad weird time for me, an in between time. I am not really here, but I am not really home. I am not working, but I am not really on vacation. I see my babies, but they are  no longer really mine. I am here to let go... A very strange place to be in. There is a lot of time to be alone and to pack and such, which gives me more time to feel alone. I don't really like the letting go and leaving. Now the time has finally come to do all of my adventuring, sight seeing, and present buying, but I find I have far less of a mood for it. I'd almost rather do without, though I know I would eventually regret it. Well I should get back to the packing and organizing and goodbyes. 

The story of a boy

I want to tell the story of a little boy I knew. He was born a gorgeous little boy whose body didn't quite match the perfection of his face. He had deformities and difficulties that would make his life far different then most children could expect when they greet this world. For whatever reason, after looking at this beautiful child his parents decided they couldn't keep him. I am not sure what their thoughts were or how that part of the story went. Perhaps they loved him but knew they had no hope of caring for him, perhaps they thought he would die anyway and they didn't want to see it, perhaps they thought he was repulsive or unlucky, perhaps they wanted to try again for abetter child, perhaps they thought that letting hiim go was his one chance at life. What ever their thoughts he ended up here, under our care and was there to greet me a few short days after arriving new and overhwhelmed to Luoyang. We met and became aquianted and almost immediately set out on an adventure together, just this tiny boy with the beautiful face and I. This was the first true adventure I went on after arriving. We went on a trip for a bout two weeks and both learned so much. I learned what it means to be a mom, and what all it entails. I learned how all consuming the love of a child can be.  I learned the structures of his face and every bump and curve of his unique little body. He learned who I was. He learned to trust and to love me. He learned that I would care for him and be there for him. He knew he was safe if could see my face. And I learned what it felt like to have a child look at you like that, to have a child settle when you hold them, and to fall asleep holding their hand.

We both went home to Luoyang and this little boy grew and started doing more of the things that little boys do, smiling, laughing, grabbing toys. He became close with his ayis. His sweet disposition and angel face always made him an instant hit. I made sure to visit him for  a couple hours or so when ever I could make it and to always kiss him good night. Then I went a way for a longer time on other adventures meeting and loving other cchildren. When I got back he had grown even more, and of course didn't recognize me, but that was alright. Little ones grow and change, and that is as it should. I was working on a different floor, but we became reaquainted. He could now sit up some, laugh, and play with  toys. He could give very slow high fives and was starting to clap his hands. He played on the mat some, but would inevitably end up in someone's arms. He was one of those children that is hard to resist cuddling. We became reaquianted and he would help me by letting me cuddle him and teach him high fives while checcking charts. He would smile and laugh and my day would be complete. 

He was moved out to an outlying unit, and just when I was accepting how much I was going to miss him I was moved to be with him for a little while. It is funny how God plans these things. He became sick shortly after I arrived here. I was able to see him and play with him and hold him some, and then he got sicker. I was the one who got to be there to watch him , hold him, and do what was possible to help him, and I was the one who got to be there in the end when it came time for him to let go. I was here to say goodbye. I was the one who was there to wrap him for the last time, to hold him for the last time, and to kiss him good bye.... He never knew what it was to have that family or dream of his own. He can no longer hope for the time when he can come home to the family he is going to share his life with. Those worries and fears about how he was going to manage in life with his difficulties are no longer a concern. There may have been so much that he didn't have, but I know when he left us he wasn't alone, and throughout his little life he was loved, and most of all he will never be forgotten. And I know I wasn't the only who loved him and will feel his loss. This special little boy touched many. I wasn't the only one fighting and hoping for him. In the end I know, no matter what, that the change he made in my life and the place he has in my heart will always be there. He might not have known his own mother to love and remember him for always, but I know that, that at least I will be able to do for him. He was here when I started my journey and now that the end is in sight it is such a blessing that I was able to be here as he ended his. There isn't any place I'd rather have been. 

The longest nights

The longest nights are when you are waiting. The nights when you know what is going to happen, but you are hoping it won't. The nights you spend being ready, and hoping you won't need to be. Then the time comes and it's over and you are left more than a little lost and confused, not knowing quite what to think. 

I am there now, looking back a little, looking forward a little, but trying to not look anywhere, to just be, just for a little while. I am tired of feeling, and trying not to. There hasn't, honestly, really even been time for either. It is hard here because you see so much of the opposite side of life, death. That is the side that is rarely seen now in the home and life I have been used to. Now I get to see it all from a whole other perspective. I get to be the one saying goodbye, the one standing on the sidelines waving goodbye with absolutely no abillity to stop the flow of the journey. I see the tiny babies who should be being treasured and cooed over, knowing they have the whole world ahead of them, simply waiting to die. The question not being if, but when. Will they hang on struggling making it for a year or two or will they only manage a few days. They ARE beautiful, and every feature and struggle only makes them more so. I see the little ones with inoperable heart conditions that are constantly a slight blue color, children with deformed extremities, children who spend every moment of their lives gasping for air, and I have no doubts that I will never find more abstoundingly beautiful children. I love them, every one, and I can't help it. I don't want to help it. These children deserve love more than anyone I have ever met, and yet being in the situations they were born into they are some of the least likely to get it. At least why they are here I know that however long or difficult their lives are they have found a home and love. They might not be able to have the home or the full medical treatment they could have in a family who could care for them as they should be cared for, but at least they have what we are able to give, and they have love. That is the most essential thing in my eyes and always will be. When I see the smiles or feel their tiny arms around me I know there is no where else I could be meant to be right now. The questions only come when you see that there is nothing more that can be done, and there is only time between them and the inevitable. You can be there, you can check, sometimes fix some things，and you can comfort and relieve distress, but ultimately you can't stop it. I understand it, and am even ok with it in some ways. I know that there will always be death, and it comes at different times for all of us. I can even find some comfort in it when I see them fighting, and are just so exhausted. The pain and fear that accompanies a failing child is one of the hardest to see. When they can't understand what is going on, only enough to be afraid. That is one of the most difficult. Sometimes it is easier for them. They don't struggle, they don't fight, their breathes just get farther and farther aprat until eventually there are no more. And then that is terribly sad too, because your sadness just draws out as you are left waiting. Then it's over,  and you can finally do what ever you need to deal with it, and then you move on to the next time you are needed, and maybe you will get to see one of the instances when a child rallies beyond expecations, or a little one you have loved finally gets to go home to a family of their own where they can be loved and treasured and have everyone one of their special moments celebrated and remembered forever. A place where mother and father are more than just words and they can finally find a place where they can know will always belong and be wanted. 

My children, the old and the new

Life has been good, if busy. We have been short staffed here at Marias and at all of our units with fewer Filipino VISAs being renwed there are fewer nurses here to work the units. Luckily everything is very fluid here and everybody is very willing to take up what ever slack must be and fill in where needed. My contribution is, I am sure, quite a bit less than some of the more experienced nurses, but at least I am able to take over a little of the daily work load. It has taken me a little bit longer to get back into the swing of seeing to my own floor than I hoped. Things have been different with fewer staff membersand everyone working together. Sometimes it makes it more difficult to figure out just what my role is. Getting a stomach bug didn't help, but now at least, I think I am finally finding my niche and being able to be of help. Some little ones are not doing well while others are starting to flourish. There have been bugs that come and go, taking more of a toll on some than others. It is the way of it here, both the amazing healing and growth, and the heartbreaking all wrapped up into one very unique building in this world.

When I was last working in Marias I had an entirely different floor I was caring for. Now that nurse has  returned I am caring for another. I had made it my priority to know and love and take the very best care of those children that I could. Now they have their nurse returned who has known many of them since birth. She knows them far better than I could have in the short time I cared for them. I am happy for them to have her back, and I know they are happy to have her. Besides, I know how much she loves them and lvoes being back. It isn't interesting to me to now have this opportunity to meet and learn of these children on my new floor. Just as I had to win them over and get to know each of them on the other floor, I get to start that adventure on this one. I have been here for a month or so now and I love to see them openning up to me. I know I am no longer a passing face when they start to run out to greet me, or show me their toys, or babble all of their exciting stories when I walk in. There is one little girl who was always very shy and would be scared if I passed too closely, now  it is the most amazing reward to have her light up and start enthusiasticly waving when she sees me coming. Our relationship still mainly consists of happy waving and me handing her toys and asking her about her day, but that is enough for now. Her little friend who cried the first time I got too close now starts "talking" (more accurately described as enthusiatic babbling) to me when ever I come in. I try to make sure to take a moment to enjoy his conversation as he points to  random things in the room and explains all about them. Then he will chase me crawling on the floor and laughing as I check charts. He is also a bit too fond of the responses he gets when he starts blowing rasberries and spitting, a delightful trick another little girl kindly taught the whole room. My "no, not good, don't do that" is apparently endlessly amusing. Another of my little ones from my other floor was moved to this one while I was away. Seeing how much he has grown and what he can do now is absolutely wonderful! He is, thankfully, just as fond of cuddles as he always has been. I could go on and on about all of my new kiddos. They are just as wonderful and each have so many unique stories and quircks. I will try and save some stories for other blogs, and try not to surpass attention span limits. I have a couple other blogs I am hoping to put up soon about cooking, things you typically see driving in China, snow days, and the grocery store. But we'll see :) For now here are some semi adorable pitcures of amazingly adorable children!

This is one of his favorite faces

Xin nian hao!

I think I have just experienced the most Chinese holiday there is! Xin nian hao everyone! It is a couple of days after Chinese New Year and I had so much fun with the entire experience. I am so glad I could be here for it! My New Years celebrations were probably more of an abbreviated version, but still wonderful for me.

Most of the holiday is based on the eve, as with our New Years. Chinese famillies put up couplets on the doors wishing for luck and happiness and such。For us， we started out giving gifts。A couple of the family we work with were sick and unable to go to the celebrations, so Linda made sure we went to get them New Years gifts and jiaozi. As she said, they were part of our family and had to have family jiaozi! Linda is wonderful! She is lovely Chinese lady who was one of the first ayis when Joyce and Robin started New Hope. She has been with them throughout the entire process, and now she runs Maria's house of hope taking care of and organizing all of the workers, and pretty much being a mom to everyone here. We then ate lunch together with everyone downstairs, beccause at the heart of the tradition is family and eing together. Jiaozi seems to be a  very important part of the tradition, everyone in the family must help make the jiaozi together and eat it together on New Year's Eve or early on New Year's Day for luck for the entire family. Afterwards you set off your fireworks to scare away any bad luck. The last people to let them off are most likely going to have an unlucky year because New Years sets the tone for the rest of the year. If you are lazy and slow on that day, it is thought you will be the rest of the year as well. That is the same reason you want to make enough to leave half of your New Year's dinner because you want to know that you will have plenty and even leftovers in the rest of the year. We participated in these traditions as well with our whole building. The cooking Ayis spent most of the day makin jiaozi for the entire house. Which is about 20 jiaozi per person and around 2000 jiazi. Apparently traditionally all of the ayis in the house take turns coming downstairs to help a little. The set up a tray for the rest of us in the other room so we could make our own. Most of them were the easy and traditional shape since they were making so many. A lot of the kiddos (Dr. Steve's childrren and the Renichs) got a little more imaginitive. I recall a smiley face, a moon, a giant pillow, and a mouth to name a few. Polly got to help us. She is the wonderful lady who helps translate, organize the stock room, and  be the intermediary with a lot of the Chinese hospital, translate medical documents, and generally organize the records of the children's comings and goings. She is also one of the silliest and most fun people I have ever met in my life. We certainly have a blast and she keeps me constantly laughing now that we share the 2nd floor office. She brought some exciting jiaozi patterns she found on the internet that she wanted to try, so we of course had to try thosee too. 

Us all together about to start making jiaozi

The meat, veggies, and spices that stuff the jiaozi.

The kitchen Ayis making jiaozi.

Some of the many trays of completed jiaozi

Lillian making her jiaozi. I believe that one was a butterfly.

Polly and her fancy triangle one.

My fancy triangle one

My one of the fancy fish type. 

I never grew up so I have to brag about my creations and am always inordinately proud of them :) 

Our results! After we made them we never saw them again. I don't know if they gave them to the Ayis or not lol :P 

Next we went to light off our fireworks, because it was so dry they had slighty more regulations than usual and we weren't allowed to set them off outside the orphanage. I personally think fireworks in China might be one of the best features. You can buy tons of amazing fireworks of every shape in size for vrey little on most street corners. This includes the huge ones that would count as a firework show in and of themselves. Jin had bought a ton of them and we all met to go an empty field and let them off. It was AMAZING! Lighting off huge firework displays and standing right under them as they sparkle and crash in the air in their varied rainbow glory is absolutely brilliant! Especially when you have enthusiastic little ones around you  making it perfectly acceptable to jump up and down, clap, and gasp at the brilliance. Lilly would have me spin her under the firworks and we both had an absolute blast! Not only werre wee lighting them off, but so was everyone else everywhere, all day and night. In China it doesn't really seem to matter the time of day or night, the place, the clarity, or if it is dark or not. The reason for the fireworks isn't the beauty, so it doesn't matter if you can see them or not. It was just so cool, and amusing to see. I probably should have been more concerned seeing fireworks set off from the back of cars, tied to railings, between apartment building with sparks bouncing of the walls and windows. I would be interested to see the statistics on firework damagee on New Years. But there is no end to the enthusiasm. I didn't get any pictures of the display, but here is a picture of one of the ridiculous little ones they let the cchildren let off at the end. 

It is a chicken that you light, and after a great deal of high pitched squeling it lays an egg.... The blast and the propulsion backwards inflates the balloon.  It is completely ridiculous and thoroughly humerous. It has deflated at this point, but I am sure you can imagine it in all of its glory. 

When we returned we were able to eat the Jiaozi together as a "family" downstairs, and it was wonderful. The Ayis are always amused to see the pale, blue-eyed, blond children and their attempts at eating Chinese food, especially with chop sticks. It was delicious! I found the idea of eating at least 20 to be ridiculous, until I started eating them. I decided to refrain from counting. That seemed healthiest. Though some how we still have some left over in the nurses fridge. 

That was mostly  the end for us. I did make sure to stay up till midnight, the time to traditionally let off the fireworks. I was reading in my room to stay awake when I started hearing thunder roaring. A sure sign that midnight was fast approaching. I ran up 6 flights of stairs to arrive on the roof pre-breathless, just in time to see what it looks like when your whole world is celebrating together everywhere. I jumped up on the picnic table and just turned slowly around, able to see fireworks in every direction. If one show slowed I had only to turn to see another more to my preference. Unfortunately here there is always an underlying smog that makes it difficult to see too far in the distance, and what you can see isn't usually clear. This is especially true for winter when they start coal burning for warmth. Inspite of that it was incredible! Those I couldn't see I could hear, and just feeling like I was part of a whole country celebrating was truly a moving experience. But my favorite part had to be when they let off the fireworks next door in front of tthe prison. Mariah assures me the guards get pretty bored, which accounts for their lovely display bursting every gorgous, colorful, sparkly blast right at my eye level. Have you ever had fireworks shatter right beside you, so close you could almost reach out and catch a spark? Yet, just out of reach so your eyebraws remain intact. I can now say I have. That is one experience I doubt I will ever get to repeat in America.  Jumping up and down clapping and gasping in awe on a rooftop picnic table in the middle of the night on Chinese New Years is something I will never forget and will probably be one of my favorite things about China. 

A true test

Time to catch up on the adventure that is my life here in China. I had finally come back to my home in China, Louyang and Maria's Big House of Hope, only to turn around and leave again two days later. 

The nurses here are almost entirely from the Philippines as I have said before. That means they need work VISAs to work in China, VISAs that must be renewed on a regular basis. The problem arises when the regulations have become more strict and the nurses have consistantly not been able to obtain VISAs and had to return to the Philippines. When the staffing was limited to begin with and they only had enough nurses to exactly staff the units, losing a nurse is a very difficult thing. Previously they had two nurses for each outlying unit and a nurse per floor in Louyang. I was an extra nurse who could fill in when nurses were on vacation or they needed to travel with a child. Now I am a complete necessity and tthey are still short. They have only one nurse at each unit and here in Louyang they only have Mariah and myself. When they needed another nurse to leave the country with a child, that meant that there would be a unit with out a nurse. That being the case they needed me to cover a unit alone. Even being a fairly new nurse and speaking almost no Chinese, I was the only choice they had. They switched nurses around so they could leave me with the smallest unit, only 18 babies. 

The thought was intimidating, but there really was no point in fretting or worrying. They needed me and I was the only one who could go. Besides I didn't really have much time to worry about it. I arrived in Louyang to find out my room had been moved while I was gone and I would probably have to return to Hong Kong in the next day or two, then the next day I found out I was leaving in the morning for a unit to have completely on my own. I unpacked my room, packed a bag, repacked a bag with the different plan, and left. Not really much time for over thinking anything. Besides, I left with the knowledge I was supposed to return in a week or two, but at any time plans could change and I might end up staying long term. It is almost Chinese New Year, a time around which travel is extremely precarious. The entire country shuts down for almost an entire month surrounding the event. Most people don't work and transportation is packed with people returning to be with their famillies. Any delay of plans might mean that travel would be impossible for almost a month. Luckily I made it safely and had a night with the other nurse to explain how the unit worked before being left alone. 

The outlying units are very different than the big house in Louyang. Rather than a separate building, they are a floor of the local orphanages. So you walk up the concrete stairs until you reach the floor with the bright colors to remind you of home and all of the other units. New Hope has worked very hard to achieve uniformity in standards and set up where ever they happen to be based. That means that walls have been built around the walls already there and painted in the bright happy cartoons that are characteristic of all of the units. It is obviously different since outlying walls aren't nearly as insulated and the rooms are much more compact, but they manage to make all of the rooms cozy and bright for the children. At the outlying units they are much smaller so they don't have a manager for all of the everyday things, instead the nurse is in charge of that as well as the children's healthcare.  Luckily where I was there was a fantastic head ayi who managed most everything for me. She did all of the shopping and saw to the refuiling and maintenance and only needed me to provide her with the funds and keep track of the expenses and receipts. That was such a blessing to me. I was not at all ready to under take the shopping for the entire unit in an unknown Chinese town. I'd have had trouble trying to find out shopping for myself, let alone everyone else. 

Going there I was nervous. I don't speak Mandarin, at least not more than a couple of basic words, and no one there spoke English. I had a translator on my ipad and someone I could call to translate at any time, but untimately it was just me. More than that, what if there were emergencies? I only know so much. I am new nurse. I have never had to function on my own. Dr. Steve was the ultimate authority and I could call or text at any time with any question, but if anything happened he had to trust my judgement and I was the only on that could do anything. That was truly intimidating, children's lives were relying on my abillities, the abillities I was skepitcal of having. Before I left I had had cause to question myself even more than usual, so I wasn't at my most confident when I left for this venture. Now I think perhaps it was really a wonderful thing for me. I had never before had to do anything where it was truly up to me, my skills, and my judgement. I had never before had the chance to prove to myself that I did have the abillity to do what needs to be done, even with no one to look over my shoulder and catch anything I might miss. Luckily most of the children were stable and doing well before I came and while I was there, but this unit like all of the units was filled with many children with varying  degrees of medical needs. I had one little one admitted shortly before I got whose future is extremly precarious. Every day was a question, and everyday I had to know that I did everything I could to give him every chance. This was a time when my "basic" nursing skills could mean life or death for a tiny life in my care. What was astounding to me, was that somehow I managed to know what to do or to at least be able to come up with logical and reasonable ideas to help him. I don't know that what I did changed everything or not, but I am confident that I did what ever I could and some how he managed to improve some. His life will be an uphill battle of an unkown duration, but this little fighter has made it this long and every day he makes it means that he has that much better of a chance to have another. I had the other children as well, and somehow everyday I was able to find the knowledge and abillity to do what needed to be done for them. I know there is so, so much I don't know. The more time I spend here the more I know I don't know and want to learn, but this time gave me a chance to realize that maybe I have far more abillity than I gave myself credit for. 

It was certainly different there, but the Ayis were sweet as always and I absolutely fell in love with the children. Here are some of my pictures:

Some how we all managed it, even with my little bit of Chinese. We didn't have a lot of conversations, but the ayis were phenomenal with charades and I tried to keep my ipad handy to translate my responses and instructions. The food was different as well, but the ayis always made sure I had plenty. Chinese people have an amazing metabolism and have this unbelievable abillity to consume extraordinary amounts of food, so they always made sure to leave me portions that could have fed a small family. Those were their "smaller" portions given after my pleas of only being able to eat a little. I was assured I was too little anyway :P The food was interesting to say the least. I always liked the flavors, but was not always a big fan of the ingrediants. I really never know what exactly I am eating, but don't really know enough Chinese to ask and wouldn't want to be rude anyway, so I try what ever I get. It is interesting that in different parts of the country they eat differently. In Louyang I had gotten used to a lot of noodles and bread, but in Xinyang they eat rice everyday and never served noodles or bread. Xinyang also had a lot more mushrooms, seaweed, and bones in their food than I was used to, but I really rreally enjoyed their flavorings. Here are some pictures of the meals:

I loved this one it's like zucchini, tomatos, onions, garlic, and I am not sure what.

A lot of different types of fungus, peppers, some meat, anise seed, and other things I am sure

carrots, assorted fungus, garlic shoots, and chicken (mainly bones and skin)

This was really good, it was kind of like a pot roast with celary, carrots, seaweed, and I think bits of pork?

There you are for those curious about "real" chinese food! 

I think I will call that all for now.